One Year Today

One year ago today I lost my father. His name was Marvin B Udell and he was only 69. He was a dentist and a father, husband, Poppy, Uncle and a friend to many people.

I want to thank everyone who called and emailed me today to remember both me and my father on this difficult day. It is so hard to believe it is already a year. For most of this past year, my father is the last person I think about each day and the first person I think about when I wake up. I kept wanting to wake up and have it all be a bad nightmare. If you have never lost a parent I can't begin to explain what it feels like. My dad was my anchor, strong, solid and someone I could always count on.

Today for just a moment I let myself ask why? Why him, why me? On the day of his funeral I ran an errand for my mom to the bank and I remember driving in the car crying that asking why would not help, there is never a reason that will satisfy or comfort a person in mourning. At my mothers funeral 29 years ago people said it was a blessing, that she was so sick and suffered so much. At my dad's funeral most people looked at Jon, Shari and me and said you poor children, both your parents are dead.

In this past year my life has gone on. Yes, I think of my dad everyday, yes I cry in the car on my way to and from work most days but my life has gone on. That is what my dad would have wanted. It is my mother's life who has not gone on. She is the one without her partner. They had such dreams for their retirement years. Today I ask why for her. I have not gotten an answer. You can ask why all you want but it doesn't help.

I said to Shari today, where is he? She can't answer me. I can still hear his voice, I talk to him in the car all the time. My life will never be the same without him just like my life is not the same without my mother or my Aunt Paula or my Nanny. I have learned to live and smile and laugh and feel joy without so many people I love. I am 43, my mother died at 40.

Love, love changes everything,

hands and faces,

earth and sky

Love, love changes everything

How you live and how you die,

Love can make a summer fly or a night seem like a lifetime

Yes, love, love changes everything

Now I tremble at your name,

nothing in the world will ever be the same.

One year ago today my life changed forever. Nothing in the world will ever be the same.

My dad taught me that tomorrow will still be Monday, life is what you make it. I know all these things to be true. Tonight my heart breaks and I have tears running down my face. Tomorrow is another day.

To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under the heavens.

A time to live and a time to die...

for my parents their time came too soon.

I hope they are together in heaven and I hope they have White House hoagies and black cows and chocolate covered pretzels in heaven. I hope you get to play golf everyday and bridge every night. I hope they have beautiful classical music to listen to and pictures of those you left behind that update each day. I hope they have homes with a courtyard and comfortable chairs to read books in. I hope they have wonderful cool weather and that everyday is sunny. I hope you only feel love and peace. I hope someday a long time from now, I will see them again and they will greet me with open arms.

I miss you daddy. We all miss you. You were a life force, a presence. You left your mark on all who knew you. Sweet dreams.